Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Holidays Shmolidays

One of the hardest things about my little family not being under the same roof is when the holidays roll around... I need to get over the fact that I am not automatically going to family gatherings anymore...that I am flying solo.. :( I miss the other side of the family so very much and try to not thing about it too much..
For thanksgiving he did not want me there...he said he"just needed the day" I have to just try to understand it.. but I wont lie I cried the whole day wishing I was there... I LOVE turkey day and I love cooking some killer side dishes and pigs in blankets and eating tons of cheese and crackers and seeing family....
I decided to make the best of it ...I made my own turkey! I went on my cool AP for Target called CARTWHEEL and got some mobile coupons for oh..nothing big..5%..10% off certain food items... I say I did all of thanksgiving for under 50 bucks. It ended up me and one friend who came over and we just ate and had some wine. It was nice and she was nice to come over. Oh and madie was with me too :)
Its really hard to imagine all this long term..Is this LIFE? IS there anyone else out there for me with half a brain? Is there anyone else who I can love as much? I really cant answer all that right now.... Some say GET OVER IT> MOVE ON> cmom JAIM you can do this!
Sigh.... Cut me a break eh! lol. I still love him and I still get nervous when I see him...I still try to imagine how life will be...I cant give anyone a guarantee that I will have another love right now. It not really in my cards... Solitary is ok right now. I am ok with it. :(

As Christmas comes along I am looking forward to a "Very Jersey Christmas" as I call it this year...Every year its so worth the trip. I miss my side of the family very much as well! SOmetimes Chritsmas is the only time that we ALL can get together...And as far as bringing Madie I really dunno yet..Its alot of work and its a very busy day... This is all a week before actual Christmas so I am still uncertain if I will see his side of the family then or not...I try not to think about it too hard and just see where it goes. :/ Wait for the invite per say??
No matter..I am blessed with SUCH an awesome family on both sides who love me and love madie. Although we dont see each other much anymore we are still and always will be family. IT means so much to me...Family. Maybe its why I put up such a fight with Divorce...I JUST wanted my family to stay together...:( It meant the world to me. I had to realize that I cant change a person...that I had to take care of ME and having a bottle of wine a night was NOT the way to do that. OR for Madie...who needs her mom!
My sweet girl is sick today and sleeping on her blanket next to me..I call it her Blanket Oasis... lol She is snoring thru her stuffy nose and I could not love her little self more. She keeps poppin her head up in typical madie fashion fighting her nap...but she overall in a decient mood..Ya still reek of sickies kiddo! lol

In Seizure news...well they have not been great...one a week..past month... :( We have been messing with her diet...Nutritionist and Doctor wants her OFF her Keto diet...Yes OFF. Bottom line is she is not growing and is not gaining weight and it is not healthy..:( Our choices were: Begin a regiment of Boost Kid Essentals 5.1... OR get her on the Gtube continuing the Ketocal diet....
Before I opt for tube in madies belly we are trying the BOOST. And with the messing around trying to just GET the stuff ordered and get enough and having to stop and continue due to ordering problems....sigh.... and the one seizure a week while all this is going down...is not encouraging. I also want to be on the same page with Dad about it too...
Now there are thoughts of what if the tube causes problems..what if she has it FOREVER? what if she NEVER eats real foods? What if what if what if??? :( SO....slow and steady one boost at a time...we wait. and pray she gains ANY weight..
IF IF seizures get even worse I am not going to hesitate to get her BACK on the diet...And sadly opt for the tube. I cant and wont watch her go thru seizure overload. Its a gamble. Its scary. I try my best to do this and make the right choices... Dad and I DO talk about it and are in an OK place and we dont hate each other (I hope) BUT I am the one who sees madie all week...IM the one who would have to clean and make sure her tube is ok...and worry while she is at school too. I feel she will be ok! I really do! I think it will help. AND if she was ON her Keto and getting the FULL diet instead of the half sippies she would eat.... the G.I team would be very good helping me figure it all out and ease my fears... and Madie would grow! What will this kiddo EAT? Nothing really...and if ur lucky enough a few spoonfuls of mush food...:( Very frustrating. I feel I have alot on my plate and I just try to go one day at a time...its all I can do.
I still have my days...and its been little over a year since I let him go his way....and I am a stronger person but its does not say that I dont miss him alot and wish he was here with us... I dont think his grass turned out greener...
I am going with BOOST Kid Essentals 1.5 with hopes...but I just dunno yet..Im kinda nervous about it. My Gut tells me we will end up with G Tube in the end... I dunno... TO be COntinued!
Well anyhoo.....Just want to get thru the Holiday standing tall and strong.
The Tree is up and plans for a Very Jersey Christmas are in full swing..
Hope all is well with everyone and all our kiddos..my tummy is hungry so time for something to eat while madie sleeps.
One Day at a time.
Is it just me or is a new post like a fresh brain fart....LOL

Happy Holidays Shmolidays.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Nice time at the Pumpkin Patch on a weekday with Madie. We almost had the whole patch to ourselves which was nice and slighly spooky at the same time lol The sun came out after we got home but still got good pictures!
All is going in our little world today with as day off from school and a hot 75 degrees outside I guess we cant complain. And the hottie shirtless guy painting my duplex with his crotch in my window....whoah mama. LOL

Ok OK heres some pictures :) Most of them are on Facebook but if we are not FB friends than here ya go. :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014


The Tribe has spoken I am here typing another blog!
Alot has been going on in my world! My little love is a second grader now and pretty happy at her school :) The summer was good I did not put the AC on but once! I dont really know what to type today I guess I have just been kinda in my own world lately..
We have finally come to a crossroads with Madies Ketogenic Diet...This gal is not gaining the weight that she needs to be gaining...Its down to GAIN or TUBE in her tummy to make the food go down.. OR take her off the Diet and then what? Pediasure? Make her go hungry till she will eat solids?? Add Canola oil to her Keto shakes? She is supposed to drink FOUR Keto sippies...12 oz each EVERY day..I am lucky if I get three. Pushed for some time and extra month...Nurtritonist says that we are to get THREE ketos down madies hatch PLUS one Pediasure each day. Ok OK Ok Im going to try this but at same time its scary... I feel like all that sugar in that Pediasure is the worse thing I can give her. AND if she doesnt gain some weight on this regiment than its OFF the diet and even talk of changing her medicine that she has been on for years! :( Oh like the Depakote even works after the Diet was introduced...But who wants to risk doing that? I am NOT going for a ride on the lets try this med and that med Train AGAIN..more drugs in my baby girl..:( And who says that going off diet will have terrible results?? Do we risk it? what do I feed her? Doctor wont approve Ketocal anymore if we take her off..and pediasure full time? Oh Lord..Will Madie get into eating foods? Something more than a couple spoonfuls? :( Oh my Baby girl..
Its been little over a year since that day in court when I left the room with my Maiden name in hand...I cant say its been an amazing year but I am certainly stronger and more independent than I was..Even went on couple of dates with very nice guys..one we chatted all night and had a great ol time..I just did not feel that way about him..but hey whatever. Am I over my divorce? Nope. Am I over him? Nope. Do I want to commit to anyone right now? Nope. The two of us are in an ok place I suppose...we dont scream at each other or hate each other..I dont really understand him sometimes when he says sweet things or texts me good night...He MUST know that I MISS him SO much....that doing this whole single mom thing is so hard without him by my side..Is their guilt? Is there part of him that still loves me? Does he think we are going to be best pals?
Sigh... but for the life of me I wont tell him to stop even if I am left disapointed in the end... I knew he was the one for me for so long and now its no longer what he wants...so yep...
ONE day at a time.
In other news...I am going to get my day going I am loosing motivation here..Gonna be a long few weeks with Dad traveling and madie home early on weekends...hoping to get a good trip to the Pumpkin Patch in next week! And my Baby girl will be 8 on the 20th!! Maybe have a couple folk over for dinner if anyone is around..dunno yet. Oh and the Cat is still alive. Please just say a few prayers for Madie and even for her mama..keep our heads up and keep on keepin on.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Mistakes and Aches.


I know I know...Man I have been so not motivated. Have you seen Sharknado??

Been feeling kinda down lately....have not been getting to my beloved meetings or my blog! and screwed up bad friday night. I really wont go into it but I have to go get my car tomorrow for an unknown price and face some hefty fines.
I have felt sad. I have felt alone...I have SO much to be grateful for...
I see a picture on facebook of my family folk from his side of the family and who is smack dab in the middle of the thing? HER. I lost it. I looked at her closely and I looked at him standing there in the picture and I lost it. I KNOW that the family loves me and I know that they are always there for me and madie...I know this. Family gatherings were just the best. and there she was. smiling like a chipmunk..with her stupid glasses...like she was part of the family. My replacement.The one who was better than me...better than Family...Better than our home..better than marriage... what is so great about her? She is certainly not that pretty....nothing to write home about..I hated her I hated him I hated myself for loosing it. they looked like they had fake smiles... I am stronger than this. And friday night I was not. It was not just the picture it was everything..
We had talked earlier and it was nice..we were talking about the time we took madie to florida when she was 10 months old and how it stunk that he was stuck in work meetings most of the time but Madie really liked the pool...and that the room was not that fancy but it was still fun...Then we talked about what she would do if she went to Disney... He tells me that someday we will go to Disney... I am confused...I dont question it I just ache a little...imagining it but not getting my heart into it..I can only see him and HER... Why does he say that stuff to me? Is she moving out? Is he really wanting to go to Disney with me and madie? Sure doesnt seem like she is going anywhere! My heart is so messed up. He knows I was broken by him and his actions...I dunno....then I see this picture taken at my favorite beach place to go... And then I have to fess up to him of my mistake..he is mad...I give him every right to be.. He says he will help me..maybe he does care a little...How would it ever work a second time anyway?? :( Guess I can cancel Disney eh? :-(

I long so much for my little family it aches. And there is nothing I can do about it...Time is all that heals that right?? Acceptance and Forgiveness?

In other news...Madie is almost done with summer school this is the last week! It flew by so fast. She also got a new hair cut with bangs...I was going to kill dad for doing it...I am not a fan of bangs but its hair....She is still cute. I had some pictures of her at this garden park before she got her bangs and she looks so pretty. WEll she is always pretty...

Been having an ok summer so far aside from things... Been to the beach a couple times... Also went to see the nutritionist about her keto diet...Oh man this diet...I long for madie to EAT. Such a think we all just do and dont think...we are hungry and we stuff it in! YUM we eat~ chew..taste...yum. Well...If madie does not gain any weight we have to take her off the diet. Take her off or a TUBE. A TUBE. in my baby girls tummy...forcing the calories and fat into her....I am trying the best I can to get her to eat but even Miles says she eats what she eats! She tall and skinny and 37 pounds...and 7. The docs says that it becomes a health concern and that her body and bones and muscles need to grow...I agree with this as well..but take her off the ketocal?? The ONLY thing that has brought her to life and taken SO many demon seizures away from her. My sweet girl was having a big seizure every week! And this diet...oh how I pray she can put on a few pounds before our next apointment.. I cant even think of an alternative...its just too much on my plate. Give her more Give her more...put oil in her sippy...more oil..less oil..get four meals in get five meals in no get four meals...I cant seriously spend an all day in and day out obsession with feeding allll the time...ugh.
And the food wont go down...and the weight wont go up. she sure gets taller! a little over three feet tall..
I guess that is all on my mind this evening...Maybe I gave up too much who knows...I dont think I have that many readers anyhoo...lol
I gotta watch True Blood now...love me my vampire shows!

Ill be ok. :) I have faith. I have too.