Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Its goin!

Ok here goes...im getting alot of error messages and typing on a teeny tablet keyboard...my awesome mother in law gave me this lil tablet to get me by with no laptop..which I broke the screen on! Each time I get all excited to buy pretty new Dell laptop a bill doubles or more bills come and I get swamped and it becomes no way in hell that I will get a laptoop...and by no means is it the tablet failing me its my joke of an internet provider..lol
Anyhoo... all is going in the ville..Madie is compleatly off her keto diet and I cant say I am jumping for joy about this cause it really helped her seizures..poor baby girl has a big one every week like clockwork...every week. The bottom line was she was not growing..her weight had stayed the same for year! It was kinda scary...we went and exhausted our options and it came down to G-Tube in her belly or no more diet...It was very frustraiting..I felt alone in the decision but knew that I was not alone at same time...I know Miles does not want to give her the G-Tube and I dont blame him...I want to give Madie a chance OFF the diet very badly but to see seizures is so hard..When I am here alone and its 3 am and she is seizing I am literally sleepwalking into her room and i turn the music on and make sure she is covered up and her diaper is dry then let her ride it out...sometimes I goy back to bed cause Ijust dont want to watch and I am sleepwalking.... sometimes if it hapends earliere I sit with her and comfort her till she falls back asleep...then I get sad...nd I thinka I am comforting her who is comforting me? The cat?:(I become resent full twards Miles and its not fair. seizures aren't fair! Its no ones fault she has seizures..
.
Madie has been doing OK..hoping the illnesses are behind her..this winter is still going I CT and I am trying not to loose hope in Spring and Summer....hoping we have a season that is longer than a week..bah.When Madie gets sick she usually ends up on antibiotics to nip it in the butt after one too many days of being sick. Poor kiddo.
She has been good lately...happy and drinking her Boost well..knock on wood!
Miles and I are OK too... Its complicated sometimes but I still love him and worry about the jerk sometimes...lol I still don't really understand him....he puts himself into work and still sees Madie every weekend with ocasional ski trip or Sunday flight out to the windy city...but we are always in touch. Its complicated. Lol
Anyhoo...its all quiet here and I'm kinda lost in my thoughts...maybe I do isolate myself a lot..maybe I have big fear of letting people in..with fears of rejection! Or would my therapist say I have Abandonment Issues! Yep. Maybe I am protective of my world...maybe I just want a simple life with family and lots of love...Is that needy of me? :/
Hope everyone is well... no sickies and dreams of spring hay fever..lol Gonna make a late corn beef dinner this week and hoping to break out of isolation as well.Whos hungry? Just me and kiddo Friday night as Miles is going to a fundraiser that raises money to dig fresh water wells to Africa! I asked him if he would go to Africa on this mission and he said hes not gonna pay to go there on his own dime...lol I told him he better get shots in case he digests the poo water...yup. it went on..LOL
Alrighty....typing is getting tricky on this lil thing...glad I could get a few blabs out today. Till next Time.
me.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Holidays Shmolidays

One of the hardest things about my little family not being under the same roof is when the holidays roll around... I need to get over the fact that I am not automatically going to family gatherings anymore...that I am flying solo.. :( I miss the other side of the family so very much and try to not thing about it too much..
For thanksgiving he did not want me there...he said he"just needed the day" I have to just try to understand it.. but I wont lie I cried the whole day wishing I was there... I LOVE turkey day and I love cooking some killer side dishes and pigs in blankets and eating tons of cheese and crackers and seeing family....
I decided to make the best of it ...I made my own turkey! I went on my cool AP for Target called CARTWHEEL and got some mobile coupons for oh..nothing big..5%..10% off certain food items... I say I did all of thanksgiving for under 50 bucks. It ended up me and one friend who came over and we just ate and had some wine. It was nice and she was nice to come over. Oh and madie was with me too :)
Its really hard to imagine all this long term..Is this LIFE? IS there anyone else out there for me with half a brain? Is there anyone else who I can love as much? I really cant answer all that right now.... Some say GET OVER IT> MOVE ON> cmom JAIM you can do this!
Sigh.... Cut me a break eh! lol. I still love him and I still get nervous when I see him...I still try to imagine how life will be...I cant give anyone a guarantee that I will have another love right now. It not really in my cards... Solitary is ok right now. I am ok with it. :(

As Christmas comes along I am looking forward to a "Very Jersey Christmas" as I call it this year...Every year its so worth the trip. I miss my side of the family very much as well! SOmetimes Chritsmas is the only time that we ALL can get together...And as far as bringing Madie I really dunno yet..Its alot of work and its a very busy day... This is all a week before actual Christmas so I am still uncertain if I will see his side of the family then or not...I try not to think about it too hard and just see where it goes. :/ Wait for the invite per say??
No matter..I am blessed with SUCH an awesome family on both sides who love me and love madie. Although we dont see each other much anymore we are still and always will be family. IT means so much to me...Family. Maybe its why I put up such a fight with Divorce...I JUST wanted my family to stay together...:( It meant the world to me. I had to realize that I cant change a person...that I had to take care of ME and having a bottle of wine a night was NOT the way to do that. OR for Madie...who needs her mom!
My sweet girl is sick today and sleeping on her blanket next to me..I call it her Blanket Oasis... lol She is snoring thru her stuffy nose and I could not love her little self more. She keeps poppin her head up in typical madie fashion fighting her nap...but she overall in a decient mood..Ya still reek of sickies kiddo! lol

In Seizure news...well they have not been great...one a week..past month... :( We have been messing with her diet...Nutritionist and Doctor wants her OFF her Keto diet...Yes OFF. Bottom line is she is not growing and is not gaining weight and it is not healthy..:( Our choices were: Begin a regiment of Boost Kid Essentals 5.1... OR get her on the Gtube continuing the Ketocal diet....
Before I opt for tube in madies belly we are trying the BOOST. And with the messing around trying to just GET the stuff ordered and get enough and having to stop and continue due to ordering problems....sigh.... and the one seizure a week while all this is going down...is not encouraging. I also want to be on the same page with Dad about it too...
Now there are thoughts of what if the tube causes problems..what if she has it FOREVER? what if she NEVER eats real foods? What if what if what if??? :( SO....slow and steady one boost at a time...we wait. and pray she gains ANY weight..
IF IF seizures get even worse I am not going to hesitate to get her BACK on the diet...And sadly opt for the tube. I cant and wont watch her go thru seizure overload. Its a gamble. Its scary. I try my best to do this and make the right choices... Dad and I DO talk about it and are in an OK place and we dont hate each other (I hope) BUT I am the one who sees madie all week...IM the one who would have to clean and make sure her tube is ok...and worry while she is at school too. I feel she will be ok! I really do! I think it will help. AND if she was ON her Keto and getting the FULL diet instead of the half sippies she would eat.... the G.I team would be very good helping me figure it all out and ease my fears... and Madie would grow! What will this kiddo EAT? Nothing really...and if ur lucky enough a few spoonfuls of mush food...:( Very frustrating. I feel I have alot on my plate and I just try to go one day at a time...its all I can do.
I still have my days...and its been little over a year since I let him go his way....and I am a stronger person but its does not say that I dont miss him alot and wish he was here with us... I dont think his grass turned out greener...
I am going with BOOST Kid Essentals 1.5 with hopes...but I just dunno yet..Im kinda nervous about it. My Gut tells me we will end up with G Tube in the end... I dunno... TO be COntinued!
Well anyhoo.....Just want to get thru the Holiday standing tall and strong.
The Tree is up and plans for a Very Jersey Christmas are in full swing..
Hope all is well with everyone and all our kiddos..my tummy is hungry so time for something to eat while madie sleeps.
One Day at a time.
Is it just me or is a new post like a fresh brain fart....LOL

Happy Holidays Shmolidays.
BAH>
Me


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Nice time at the Pumpkin Patch on a weekday with Madie. We almost had the whole patch to ourselves which was nice and slighly spooky at the same time lol The sun came out after we got home but still got good pictures!
All is going in our little world today with as day off from school and a hot 75 degrees outside I guess we cant complain. And the hottie shirtless guy painting my duplex with his crotch in my window....whoah mama. LOL

Ok OK heres some pictures :) Most of them are on Facebook but if we are not FB friends than here ya go. :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Ketolicious.

The Tribe has spoken I am here typing another blog!
Alot has been going on in my world! My little love is a second grader now and pretty happy at her school :) The summer was good I did not put the AC on but once! I dont really know what to type today I guess I have just been kinda in my own world lately..
We have finally come to a crossroads with Madies Ketogenic Diet...This gal is not gaining the weight that she needs to be gaining...Its down to GAIN or TUBE in her tummy to make the food go down.. OR take her off the Diet and then what? Pediasure? Make her go hungry till she will eat solids?? Add Canola oil to her Keto shakes? She is supposed to drink FOUR Keto sippies...12 oz each EVERY day..I am lucky if I get three. Pushed for some time and extra month...Nurtritonist says that we are to get THREE ketos down madies hatch PLUS one Pediasure each day. Ok OK Ok Im going to try this but at same time its scary... I feel like all that sugar in that Pediasure is the worse thing I can give her. AND if she doesnt gain some weight on this regiment than its OFF the diet and even talk of changing her medicine that she has been on for years! :( Oh like the Depakote even works after the Diet was introduced...But who wants to risk doing that? I am NOT going for a ride on the lets try this med and that med Train AGAIN..more drugs in my baby girl..:( And who says that going off diet will have terrible results?? Do we risk it? what do I feed her? Doctor wont approve Ketocal anymore if we take her off..and pediasure full time? Oh Lord..Will Madie get into eating foods? Something more than a couple spoonfuls? :( Oh my Baby girl..
Its been little over a year since that day in court when I left the room with my Maiden name in hand...I cant say its been an amazing year but I am certainly stronger and more independent than I was..Even went on couple of dates with very nice guys..one we chatted all night and had a great ol time..I just did not feel that way about him..but hey whatever. Am I over my divorce? Nope. Am I over him? Nope. Do I want to commit to anyone right now? Nope. The two of us are in an ok place I suppose...we dont scream at each other or hate each other..I dont really understand him sometimes when he says sweet things or texts me good night...He MUST know that I MISS him SO much....that doing this whole single mom thing is so hard without him by my side..Is their guilt? Is there part of him that still loves me? Does he think we are going to be best pals?
Sigh... but for the life of me I wont tell him to stop even if I am left disapointed in the end... I knew he was the one for me for so long and now its no longer what he wants...so yep...
ONE day at a time.
In other news...I am going to get my day going I am loosing motivation here..Gonna be a long few weeks with Dad traveling and madie home early on weekends...hoping to get a good trip to the Pumpkin Patch in next week! And my Baby girl will be 8 on the 20th!! Maybe have a couple folk over for dinner if anyone is around..dunno yet. Oh and the Cat is still alive. Please just say a few prayers for Madie and even for her mama..keep our heads up and keep on keepin on.