Sunday, March 30, 2014

Baggage Claim.

I hate when I stray from my blog and go MIA for a little while...
Maybe I just don't know what to say.
Madie is well. We had some sickies a couple weeks ago and one big seizure both that kept her home for a few days on and was a long two weeks. She is finally showing more energy and her little self if coming thru.
I have been ok. Its been so long since my little family has lived under one roof..what has been done had been done. I try to put myself out there in the romance world and I feel like I am still carrying the backpack.. suitcase..duffel bag.. purse...My Luggage...My Baggage. My world.
I so desperately miss my family...I don't know when I will be able to ease the ache in my heart. I just don't. There ARE nice guys out there. Guys who think Im pretty. Who don't mind if I have a little girl. Guys who want to make me happy...A guy who WANTS to be in my life. WANTS to have fun with me and is a gentleman...considers my feelings.....

I don't know what I am doing. I just dont. Miles and I still text just about every day..sometimes to just say Hi or share something funny or he will send me a madie picture from the weekend saying that she is doing good..or just saying something random like a funny movie we both enjoyed that may be on... Sigh Miles.....:( He is still pretty secretive but I guess that is expected in the new world he is in...I wonder if he is truly happy. When I talk to Miles it feels good. It feels safe...I cant help to get small glimpses of the man I used to know for all those years. Madies Dad. Loving Husband. NOt the Miles who hurt me beyond what my heart could take...
I don't know If I will ever understand him. I will always love him...he was just that guy.... (shrug)

I have been on a few dates..I wont lie...sigh...One in particular We seemed to connect and we talked a bit and we have some stuff in common. He was a gentleman on the date and paid for a nice dinner...after three dates Yeah...three! I was feeling that maybe there was a light at the end of my tunnel...that I could possibly move on.. I assure you nothing serious going on at this point in time but than suddenly I dont hear from him again. I said to myself that I would let him come to me...not to text or call or message...and well...its been about a day and half and nothing. Is he waiting for ME to say something? How do I do this shit? I will give benefit of doubt knowing that he is working all day today so maybe later on he will message me.. I dunno. I cant say that I am going to cry if I dont hear from him. I just cant get myself attached to anyone. I wonder if he wants to hang out again.??

After we ended out last date I cried.
Just cried. I missed Miles. plain and simple. Maybe that sounds pathetic...probably does. Heres a very nice guy(first one in awhile!) who possibly wants to DATE Me....ME!? Six tons of Baggage ME! Its been so long. I try to go with my Gut...I feel shallow.. I feel horrible. Leading him to thinking that maybe we could be an item..when Im not even sure right now.. I miss the companionship so much. I dont want to be with someone just to be with someone! Its wrong. I say at this point if he calls me eventually that maybe I should go on one more date and just put some thought into it..
Im terrified..I think I am open to this...

I dunno now I am kinda feeling that maybe I spilled too much in my blog today but this is also kind of a diary for me too.
RIght now it feels good to get the thoughts out..
I am looking forward to warmer weather and clothes lines and sunshine and strolling thru town with Madie in tow. Sandals and flip flops and painted toes. warm breezes and open windows. Bird and Bugs. open windows and cool nights. long days and short nights. Oh how depressing this long winter has been. I close my eyes and crave it more than anything.
And maybe throw in some inner peace mixed with Love. <3


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

nothing New...

Winter has pounded us in CT. Its so bitter cold once again and more snow is coming on Thursday! I have only taken one fall on the ice and at this point am so paranoid that I will fall again my bag of ice removal stuff is almost gone... I am getting a taste of how this place I live in freezes up. In beginning of winter I even splurged on a very warm down comforter.
Well the cold aside...ugh...
Madie has her own little messy cold going on now...a mess! She thankfully does not have a fever and has stopped her dry coughing...SO beyond done with sickies. She was in a bad mood this morning and when I was trying to put her right shoe on her foot she cried and curled her toes... Just the right shoe. I wonder if maybe I need to get her bigger shoes or if she somehow hurt her little toe and without scratching it or bruising it..:( Its those little things I wish she could tell me.
Been more or less hangin in there.
NO Plans this weekend with the bad weather coming thru just to stay warm and sleep in. lol
Madie lost another tooth this morning too :) I tell ya this kiddo is going to have some jacked up looking teeth....ugh. How can one put braces on a kid like Madie.. :( The funny part was that she woke up looking like she just ate a big chocolate pop...but it was not chocolate it was dried yucky blood on her mouth! Funny but EW at same time. No sign of the tooth. Maybe I will see it or maybe she ate it.

Well anyhoo... I guess not much to say today... Heres a giant ice picture. I don't so much mind the snow its he frigid temps that have come with it....Been VERY cold winter.


Saturday, January 18, 2014

Ketocal Catastrophe

OK let me tell you this crazy story!!

We folk over here usually order THREE boxes of Ketocal 4:1 EVERY month....622 bucks at Target Pharmacy bout 34ish a can...Well I put in my usual order when we were low and it would work out that by Friday when Miles comes to get Madie he could also go pick up the order since its closer to my place than his... BUT anyhooo....In the end Target did not have the order...saying that the Distributor that they use had it on Back order...I called I want to say 10 pharmacys...Grocery stores and chains and NO ONE even has ONE can they can just sell us. I was like a drug dealer! I call CCMC (Hartford childrens hospital) to Madies Neurologist Team and THANK GOD someone answered! The nurse said if I come there they can give me two cans to get me thru till HOPEFULLY Target gets the order in.... I tell Miles and he rushes off to Hartford on his way to my place to drop off cans... In meantime I call this small Pharmacy some family owned place and order two cans that they say will be in Friday.... IN meantime I call a nearby CVS and order two boxes they say no problem they will be in. We go thru the cans from Harford and Friday rolls around Miles says he will go to CVS to get boxes and then come get kiddo...OK cool. We are set. In meantime I remember I ordered the two cans from small place but figured heck with that we got the boxes from CVS.....or did we?...
CVS never even ordered. They had no recollection of such an order...
Miles texts me telling me that CVS does not have order... Im so pissed at this point...I go to the small place and get the two cans I had ordered....50 bucks EACH> WAY MORE than I wanted to pay but the kid needs to eat! AND they are different label....still Keto 4:1 but a NEW formula with more carbs and less fat...Which means that the current mixture we make up wont work anymore if madie is to get the calories she needs....UUUUUUGGGHHHH
In meantime Miles and I are on phone with each other now after I pick these 50 dollar cans up and getting pissy and I am thinking that he doesn't want me to order more at 50 a can and he is telling me to YES order them and I am asking if he wants to order again from CVS and what about Target and OH MY GOSH.....Good Ol Choppy cell phone calls! When we both finally realized what we were both trying to tell each other I just laughed. SIGH>
In meantime he says that Hartford will give us two more cans that he will pick up today...but at what label I have not a clue.
Oh and to give you an Idea a can of Ketocal is the size of a small can of the 15 dollar cans...If that's even the price anymore of that stuff..and the "New" Ketocal 4:1 Miles says scoops like wet sand...Grrreat! LOL
Ok that's my story morning glory. Catastrophe!!
Oh and GO PATS!!! NEW ENGLAND yo. I am still on the hunt for some pats pj's for she can watch with Dad when its late. XO


Thursday, January 16, 2014

Sunrise in my heart...slow and steady....


Overslept AGAIN and had to bring miss madie to school...oh bugger. I have been told by numerous people to get an alarm clock..Let me explain the alarm clock It takes me long enough to fall asleep as it is...and knowing that this device will wake me up un announced makes it worse! I get anxious a lot. not just about having a stupid alarm clock but it stems from a lot.
Bla Bla Bla...Not like she goes to a university! Its first grade folks.

I have been a on and off at peace with life lately....I can still be my passive aggressive bitch sometimes in my moments...for sure I will not deny that I have anger and depression still... At times if I look too much at the big picture I upset myself. Not so much the future with Madie....just ME....where will I find peace...calm happiness... sunshine. love. beauty. I have not a clue. I take it one day at a time...and if there are days when I am running around all day doing errands or days I am at home cleaning and doing mounds of laundry or days I am just being a Veg....Its how it is. I Miss what always felt safe and normal....

I am so blessed with my family and my sweet girl...She is the best kid ever. Like and I mean Ever. Its not easy to be with us...we demand a lot... I at times blame that for my failed marriage...that ME and MADIE demanded too much of him and he was overwhelmed with it and I pushed and pushed and pushed....And he ran further and further away and got in the end I GUESS what he really wanted..Dont ask me! I left with what I needed to LIVE.... Which honestly does not make up for my family breaking apart but its what I HAD to do....If that makes any sense. :(

I know the man who loved Family and Marriage and was romantic (gave best flowers!) and liked to grab my butt (g rated!) and kiss me and I tell ya its STILL hard to forget that. Sometimes I overlook all the Hurt and just miss him and grow tired of being angry. Then the harsh reality of him being gone and not just on some "long break" hits...Its hard..tears shed. Sometimes my emotions run wild. I have never stopped loving him even in my darkest angriest ugliest moments....Never.
I had 700 chances for him and maybe I still have a few tucked in my pockets and drawers.....*sigh* Anger is slowly lifting from my heart....Hes not an easy person to figure out. Hes a Jerk but he was my Jerk. lol

I do know that we both love our Madie and we both will go above and beyond for anything she needs. I am blessed that he is not some crazy guy strait off the Maury show LOL I was just watching the end of one show and the gal was SO CERTAIN that this guy was the dad and he was not and she was saying the test was lying and that it was wrong..LOL Oh man...trainwreck.HAHA
I can sit here and crank up the adele music and cry my eyes out and feel sorry for myself...But I cant....
I wonder what the moms at school think.... "Poor woman her husband left her and she has such a load with her Madison" ..."Oh I could never do what she is doing...alone" "Oh Judy just be thankful our kids are normal and we have loving husbands" "Boy she is going to need help"
OK OK NO ONE has said that to me I promise and if they did I would tell them how I do it...
I Just do. I have no choice and I love Madie and we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellys and its all we need. I hope someday we can both just find trust and forgiveness in our hearts and just "be" Love our baby girl and family and friends and Have a little sunshine. If that makes any sense. Try to put a lot behind us and start fresh.
Well Kiddo will be home soon and I best be getting myself She was quite a little challenge last night..I think she is riding on the constipation express if ya know what I mean...woke at 6 crrrrrying with a big messy diaper. But NO call from school! lol
Oh and can I just say that when you run out of ketocal and the pharmacy tells you on the day you NEED to pick up the monthly stash that they were unable to get it since the supplier is on back order....what do you do?? Call 10 Pharmacies and NO ONE has any in stock to just tide us over it ALWAYS has to be ordered...ended up having to go to Hartford childrens hospital(well my trusty assistant Dad)to get a couple cans. And No Pharmacy still does not have the cases we need... Now with he half can we have now we just hope it comes in to the random CVS I had to order from tomorrow after 2.. My trusty assistant will pick up the stash from CVS near his office. WHEW>
Ready for the weekend. And a little sunshine.