Sunday, August 3, 2014

Mistakes and Aches.

IM ALIVE!!!

I know I know...Man I have been so not motivated. Have you seen Sharknado??

Been feeling kinda down lately....have not been getting to my beloved meetings or my blog! and screwed up bad friday night. I really wont go into it but I have to go get my car tomorrow for an unknown price and face some hefty fines.
I have felt sad. I have felt alone...I have SO much to be grateful for...
I see a picture on facebook of my family folk from his side of the family and who is smack dab in the middle of the thing? HER. I lost it. I looked at her closely and I looked at him standing there in the picture and I lost it. I KNOW that the family loves me and I know that they are always there for me and madie...I know this. Family gatherings were just the best. and there she was. smiling like a chipmunk..with her stupid glasses...like she was part of the family. My replacement.The one who was better than me...better than Family...Better than our home..better than marriage... what is so great about her? She is certainly not that pretty....nothing to write home about..I hated her I hated him I hated myself for loosing it. they looked like they had fake smiles... I am stronger than this. And friday night I was not. It was not just the picture it was everything..
We had talked earlier and it was nice..we were talking about the time we took madie to florida when she was 10 months old and how it stunk that he was stuck in work meetings most of the time but Madie really liked the pool...and that the room was not that fancy but it was still fun...Then we talked about what she would do if she went to Disney... He tells me that someday we will go to Disney... I am confused...I dont question it I just ache a little...imagining it but not getting my heart into it..I can only see him and HER... Why does he say that stuff to me? Is she moving out? Is he really wanting to go to Disney with me and madie? Sure doesnt seem like she is going anywhere! My heart is so messed up. He knows I was broken by him and his actions...I dunno....then I see this picture taken at my favorite beach place to go... And then I have to fess up to him of my mistake..he is mad...I give him every right to be.. He says he will help me..maybe he does care a little...How would it ever work a second time anyway?? :( Guess I can cancel Disney eh? :-(

I long so much for my little family it aches. And there is nothing I can do about it...Time is all that heals that right?? Acceptance and Forgiveness?


In other news...Madie is almost done with summer school this is the last week! It flew by so fast. She also got a new hair cut with bangs...I was going to kill dad for doing it...I am not a fan of bangs but its hair....She is still cute. I had some pictures of her at this garden park before she got her bangs and she looks so pretty. WEll she is always pretty...

Been having an ok summer so far aside from things... Been to the beach a couple times... Also went to see the nutritionist about her keto diet...Oh man this diet...I long for madie to EAT. Such a think we all just do and dont think...we are hungry and we stuff it in! YUM we eat~ chew..taste...yum. Well...If madie does not gain any weight we have to take her off the diet. Take her off or a TUBE. A TUBE. in my baby girls tummy...forcing the calories and fat into her....I am trying the best I can to get her to eat but even Miles says she eats what she eats! She tall and skinny and 37 pounds...and 7. The docs says that it becomes a health concern and that her body and bones and muscles need to grow...I agree with this as well..but take her off the ketocal?? The ONLY thing that has brought her to life and taken SO many demon seizures away from her. My sweet girl was having a big seizure every week! And this diet...oh how I pray she can put on a few pounds before our next apointment.. I cant even think of an alternative...its just too much on my plate. Give her more Give her more...put oil in her sippy...more oil..less oil..get four meals in get five meals in no get four meals...I cant seriously spend an all day in and day out obsession with feeding allll the time...ugh.
And the food wont go down...and the weight wont go up. she sure gets taller! a little over three feet tall..
I guess that is all on my mind this evening...Maybe I gave up too much who knows...I dont think I have that many readers anyhoo...lol
I gotta watch True Blood now...love me my vampire shows!

Ill be ok. :) I have faith. I have too.

Me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Higher Power...


I supposes its been awhile...School is almost over and summer break will begin for a couple weeks before summer program begins...Madie has been well...aside from a stomach virus that hit her a couple weeks ago with lots of vomit and lots of other smelly stuff...we have overcome it and here we are.
Its a rainy day in CT today but that is ok...waters my plants and cools us off for a bit. Weather has been so nice I wont complain if I am sweaty however! Winter seemed to never end!
Everything is going well...I am feeling alot stronger emotionally lately....

Accepting the things I cannot change.
My little family has been broken up for some time now...and I guess you could say I have always held on hope for the guy I used to know..the one who loved family..the one who loved me...the one who would do anything for me and his family...for me and Madie...I held on no matter what hurt my heart endured... I HELD ON. It was it for me. I believe in Marriage. Family. Boy do I ever. Accepting that Me and Madie are it is HARD. Letting him go on and live his life and trying to go on and live mine...separate. I do not wish this on anyone. The relationship we have now is strange. We still text every day..we talked about a time when we took a trip to NY and partied and drove home blasting funny music and laughing our buts off...back then he told me that it was the trip that he knew he wanted to spend his life with me.... bringing it back into my memory made me cry that day. I wanted to go to the bar and drink away my hurt....my longing for him to come back.. feeling stupid that I would even take him back when he has clearly chosen someone else over me.(Good Luck with that) I just cried. Part of me wanted him to tell me he was happy now...that he is content with his new life...but do I really want to know? He wont say if I ask him..that is the saddest part. why not? fear of hurting me? Kinda late for that eh?
I have been alcohol free almost 30 days. Its not something I will go in depth about but while going thru what I was going thru I drank ALOT. I had nothing together. I was tired, Anxious as all hell, Sad, depressed... and I wanted to escape. Its been very tough...I LOVE wine..the smell..the tastes...the effect... you get it.
That day talking about old times I wanted to go to the bar I got in my car and I began to drive there...(Madie had been picked up)I had to stop right before the turn into the parking lot and let an elderly man cross over the crosswalk. He had an equally as old dog with him..a small little thing. Well as he was crossing the dog became all nervous and he was practically pulling it across the street... All of a sudden the damn thing began to shit as it walked across the street! Thru my tears I began to laugh...
I drove past the turn and went to the grocery store instead and got a frozen pizza for dinner.
Divine Intervention??
Maybe So.
I feel its taken me 36 years to find my higher power...I get emotional saying that cause it really feels like a higher up is giving me strength to move forward...without a drink. without HIM. I have lived in fear and anger for TOO LONG. I have lived in panic attacks and hangovers and felt like SHIT. I cant do it anymore. I just cant. I have to be strong.
Accept the Things I cannot change. Oh dear lord I miss him every day...I miss the guy I knew...maybe part of me hopes he is still there trapped someplace and will come to his senses and be back....even after legally breaking us..begging to be back with his family...Its pretty sad. :( He was my love. I miss that Husband Man so very much. Its still very hard to imagine not growing old together...Sigh...I dunno.. Sorry. I feel overwhelmed with Madie sometimes and remembered how well we could Tag Team any situation with her..
I almost sold my rings...the guy at the jewelry store would only give me $550 for all the set...I took them back and said no way. Than I just cried....how could I part with these precious things..? I cant. Not Now.
I Feel like a different Jamie right now. Clear headed. Less Anxious. Less Depressed. Saying that I am over things would be a lie but I am in a better place. My sweet Madie..Oh how she has grown. I will always have the best part of him no matter what...and her pretty little face is right above! The Giggle. The kissable little cheeks. The hanging out with mom on the fluffy bed watching late TV...reading stories...having silly tub time blowing bubbles..sending her off to school each day rain or shine. And also having an AMAZING family on both sides who unconditonally love and support Madie and I OH my gosh I dont know what I would do without them! I love my family SO very much. I am so grateful. No one can top that or take that away from me. :)
Summer Break is soon and I really would love to get Madie to the beach for a few days at least. And how can I not go to the awesome Taco place and used book store as well? :)
We are good. Madie and Mama. Just Us.
I have to cut short realizing that the bus will be here soon with Madie San. Hope this blog was not too depressing. I am actually feeling pretty good. Broke but good.

XO
Me.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Still here

Well here I am, still hanging in there.
It was a long cold winter in my neck of the woods and the warm weather is SO welcome. My allergies not so much.,
Madie is well. We modified her Keto diet a little bit by adding two teaspoons of canola oil to her sippies..Yes very gross if you ask me..but its 240 extra calories that my little 38 pounder needs. STILL 1-3 big bad seizures per month..if only she would actually drink ALL The keto she needs we would be able to see if the diet REALLY will work..3 years on the Keto so far...What else could I feed her? She will eat Pudding that is vanilla flavored so far...and her keto "shake" I call it. Enfamil again? Pediasure? Pediasure is probably the worse thing I can feed her! Have you see the sugar in that stuff and at 10 bucks a six pack at least...and ya figure 4-5 a DAY!? Um....No. I felt a lot on my plate after the appointmet and really at a stand still about the diet and the pressure to GET the required diet in her tummy so she can oh..ya know...get enough fat in her BRAIN and GROW....Ugh..
I feel as if the diet has no doubt made her seizures a lot less...for sure. She was going from every week having them at school none the less...to maybe having some twitches here and there to the one-three a month and when they hit they are strong...and thankfully at home in the wee hours of the morning or night...
I sadly never expect my Madie to be 100% seizure free and medication free...now that would be a dream come true for sure..but she is 7 now...and has yet to walk...walking is for sure the hardest thing..unable to run and play with the kids...even being disabled in her brain at LEAST she would be able to get around... The convaid crusier has held up well. Thinking of selling the old Kimba Spring stroller...its missing the canopy and the attachments that the canopy go into but other wise good condition...the wheels have run a lot of miles...unsure how one can order new ones but they still turn and they aren't damaged... I really could used the money as opposed to "donating" to the local disabled folk school....eh...

Well anyhoo...I guess I am rambling...Madie is upset and I have to wrangle in the cat for the night...I will type some more soon.. I guess not really in much of a sharing mood today.
Off to Jersey this weekend for a wedding too...been awhile since I have seen family. should be an occasion.

Hope everyone is well.

Me.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Baggage Claim.

I hate when I stray from my blog and go MIA for a little while...
Maybe I just don't know what to say.
Madie is well. We had some sickies a couple weeks ago and one big seizure both that kept her home for a few days on and off..it was a long two weeks. She is finally showing more energy and her little self if coming thru.
I have been ok. Its been so long since my little family has lived under one roof..what has been done had been done. I try to put myself out there in the romance world and I feel like I am still carrying the backpack.. suitcase..duffel bag.. purse...My Luggage...My Baggage. My world.
I so desperately miss my family...I don't know when I will be able to ease the ache in my heart. I just don't. There ARE nice guys out there. Guys who think Im pretty. Who don't mind if I have a little girl. Guys who want to make me happy...A guy who WANTS to be in my life. WANTS to have fun with me and is a gentleman...considers my feelings.....

I don't know what I am doing. I just dont. Miles and I still text just about every day..sometimes to just say Hi or share something funny or he will send me a madie picture from the weekend saying that she is doing good..or just saying something random like a funny movie we both enjoyed that may be on... Sigh Miles.....:( He is still pretty secretive but I guess that is expected in the new world he is in...I wonder if he is truly happy. When I talk to Miles it feels good. It feels safe...I cant help to get small glimpses of the man I used to know for all those years. Madies Dad. Loving Husband. NOt the Miles who hurt me beyond what my heart could take...
I don't know If I will ever understand him. I will always love him...he was just that guy.... (shrug)

I have been on a few dates..I wont lie...sigh...One in particular We seemed to connect and we talked a bit and we have some stuff in common. He was a gentleman on the date and paid for a nice dinner...after three dates Yeah...three! I was feeling that maybe there was a light at the end of my tunnel...that I could possibly move on.. I assure you nothing serious going on at this point in time but than suddenly I dont hear from him again. I said to myself that I would let him come to me...not to text or call or message...and well...its been about a day and half and nothing. Is he waiting for ME to say something? How do I do this shit? I will give benefit of doubt knowing that he is working all day today so maybe later on he will message me.. I dunno. I cant say that I am going to cry if I dont hear from him. I just cant get myself attached to anyone. I wonder if he wants to hang out again.??

After we ended out last date I cried.
Just cried. I missed Miles. plain and simple. Maybe that sounds pathetic...probably does. Heres a very nice guy(first one in awhile!) who possibly wants to DATE Me....ME!? Six tons of Baggage ME! Its been so long. I try to go with my Gut...I feel shallow.. I feel horrible. Leading him to thinking that maybe we could be an item..when Im not even sure right now.. I miss the companionship so much. I dont want to be with someone just to be with someone! Its wrong. I say at this point if he calls me eventually that maybe I should go on one more date and just put some thought into it..
Im terrified..I think I am open to this...


I dunno now I am kinda feeling that maybe I spilled too much in my blog today but this is also kind of a diary for me too.
RIght now it feels good to get the thoughts out..
I am looking forward to warmer weather and clothes lines and sunshine and strolling thru town with Madie in tow. Sandals and flip flops and painted toes. warm breezes and open windows. Bird and Bugs. open windows and cool nights. long days and short nights. Oh how depressing this long winter has been. I close my eyes and crave it more than anything.
And maybe throw in some inner peace mixed with Love. <3

Me.